Dear Internet Roleplayers of Questionable Skill...


I have encountered many Internet roleplayers of questionable or even awful skill. I would love to sit each and every one of these people down to have a few words with them, but obviously this is not possible. Instead, I shall settle for creating an open letter of the things I would like to say:

Dear Internet Roleplayers of Questionable Skill:
  1. My character is most probably attracted to women who are not petite with blond or red hair.
  2. It is not necessary to constantly remind me how "cute," "adorable," and "angelic" your character is, nor do you have to point out how fetching and charming xir behavior is.
  3. My character does not enjoy being stalked, taunted, belittled, intimidated, and otherwise harassed by your character. No, it does not matter that your character is 'in love' with my character.
  4. If your character harrasses, injures, or bullies one of my characters or my characters' friends, do not act surprised when my character is no longer willing to be chummy with yours. Likewise, do not act surprised when my character gets angry at yours because yours damaged or stole xir property.
  5. If you want to set your character up in a situation of peril for my character to rescue her, that is fine. However, once is usually enough.
  6. I get that your character wants to have sex with mine. That is perfectly fine. It is not necessary to remind me of this fact by having complete strangers throw free condoms into shopping cart.
  7. My character does in fact find it greatly disturbing to wake up to a character xe has never actually met before (whether or not you claim they have had a history together).
  8. It is acceptable if one person remarks that your character and mine make a cute couple. Not so much when it's happening on a near-daily basis for our characters.
  9. It is not necessary to point out how each and every action your character does reminds mine of an old flame.
  10. If you cannot fit a reason for me to care about your OC in your 150-word prompt, you are doing it wrong.
  11. A freaking laundry list of skills, powers, and family ties do not count as reasons to care about your OC.
  12. If the canon character you are attempting to play continually behaves in a manner that utterly contradicts xir behavior in the source material without any adequate explanation, you should consider the possibility that you are playing the wrong character.
  13. I try to play my canon characters so that they are actually recognizeable as the characters they were in the source material. This means that they have most, if not all of the same flaws as they did in the source material. Deal with it.
  14. If I am playing a villain/former villain known for his silver tongue and philandering ways, you probably shouldn't start thinking yourself too special when he starts trying to woo your character. In all likelihood, he's just bored and looking for something to do.
  15. It is not necessary for you to describe to me what my character is thinking or feeling, or what xir behaviors are or were. Odds are that you are not a mind-reader, and in this case it's pretty likely that you're mostly wrong. If you are a mind-reader, you're not telling me anything I don't already know.
  16. If my I write "[Character name] looks at X," and X belongs to you, that's your cue to describe it.
  17. It is not the duty of the other players to make sure that you have a good time. You are equally responsible for providing excitement and intrigue, so please, get your character's ass off that sofa and do something.
  18. Yes, my character has hobbies and interests that do not involve snogging or shagging your character. Deal with it.
  19. Yes, my character wants to spend time with xir friends rather than shag/snog your character right now. Deal with it.
  20. Yes, my character likes to talk about things that aren't your character. Deal with it.
  21. Sharing your trouble with your RP buddies is one thing. Spending most of your time in the chatroom complaining about your life is another. If 90% of your time with the group is spent whining about your personal problems, you should consider the possibility that you're hanging out in the wrong room.
  22. If you suddenly have to leave, it would be much appreciated if you'd say so before disconnecting. Furthermore, if the roleplay is on-going with 3+ people, it would be rather nice of you to give a reason for your character to leave so that whoever you were last interacting with isn't/aren't essentially standing around and staring into the void where your character was.
  23. I fully understand if you are having difficulty taking your current character anywhere and feel like playing a new character for awhile. However, I am sure you can think of something more sensible than throwing in a character from another series or an OC out of nowhere with absolutely no motivation or explanation for being there.
  24. I understand how easy it is to get caught up in your character's emotions, and how easy it is to get your character caught up in your emotions. However, it would really be best if you made an effort not to at least part of the time, as the former can be very exhausting and the latter makes your character behave in bizarre and nonsensical ways.
  25. If you cannot find it within yourself to resist writing my characters' actions for me, then you should consider the possibility that roleplaying is not for you and that you may be better off writing stories instead.
  26. If you are under the impression that your character is supposed to be the main character of a roleplay and everyone else is supposed to be the supporting cast, then I have some rather sad news for you: roleplays do not work that way. Main characters are for books, movies, television shows, and video games, not roleplays. Consider working on one of the alternatives if it is such a burning necessity for your character to be the prima donna.
  27. If you cannot find the time to spend ten minutes websearching to find basic information about the canon character you're trying to play, you have no business playing that character, period.
  28. Though tempting, playing yourself as a character is not a good idea, as it makes it even more difficult to emotionally disentangle yourself from your character. Do not play yourself as a character. Do NOT play yourself as a character. JUST DON'T.
  29. Being small/big-eyed/pouty/furry will not make me like your character more when xe starts cruelly pranking my character/my character's friends and/or starts destroying peoples' stuff.
  30. If you cannot spend ten minutes looking up when major world events took place (eg, World War 2), then you have no business roleplaying anything in which these dates are relevant.
  31. I will not turn your personal object of hate into a straw villain just so you can feel morally superior at the end of the session. Deal with it.
  32. For the record, mind-reading is a useless superpower in most Internet roleplays. All I have to do to stop my character's mind from being read is not describe what xe is thinking at the moment.
  33. Think carefully before ascribing a genius wit to your character's traits. For one, if you are not actually capable of delivering razor-sharp zingers, then neither is your character because your character cannot actually be any wittier than you are. For another, if you describe your character as witty and all of your witticisms turn out to be duds, you'll look like an arrogant assclown. Don't describe your character as witty, and you can at least write it off as your character being an arrrogant assclown.
  34. I can remember what your character looks like without you reminding me on every page, honest.
  35. If my character did not fall for the first violent sociopath you threw at xir, xe probably isn't going to fall for the second, the third, and definitely not the fourth.
  36. Just because your character doesn't mean to be bad or has some Freudian excuse for xir behavior does not make your character's behavior any more acceptable in-universe.
  37. Believe it or not, your character can hang out with the main characters without actually moving into a main character's home.

If you liked this, you might also like:

The Despie & Illiterate Roleplayer's Handbook
The Bad OC Love Interest's Handbook
How To Dress & Look Like A Female CRPG Protagonist
How to be a Completely Revolting Fan



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