Things I Will Do If I Am The Hero


Inspired by the hilarious Evil Overlord List.

Sure, heroes always win in the end, but there are a lot of things they could do to save themselves from much of the pain and agony they endure. Plus, minor characters also do a lot of stupid things to get themselves killed. So, if I am ever a hero or minor good guy, here's what I'll be doing.

  1. I will not leave doors, windows, or grates swinging behind me when I'm on the run.
  2. On the other hand, if I discover a secret passage, I will prop it open with something solid before entering.
  3. If I have a pet that will not be quiet when the villain is searching for me, I will not try to hush it. I will throw it out the window.
  4. I will keep an eye on the animals. They always see it coming.
  5. I will exercise a healthy amount of caution when I find some cute-and-apparently-harmless creature.
  6. I will never trust any pet that does not belong to me. This goes especially for cats and monkeys.
  7. If I am a male hero, I will not trust any sexy woman I have not known for most of my life.
  8. If anyone in my team starts acting weird, he/she will be immediately removed and investigated.
  9. If anyone in my team was captured and was recovered with unusual ease, he/she will be immediately removed and investigated.
  10. I will listen to old people, especially when they start talking about curses, legends, and prophecies. Heck, I'll listen to anyone who talks about curses, legends and prophecies.
  11. I will absolutely not take several of my friends to a cabin for the weekend, especially if there is something nasty rumored to be in the area.
  12. I will never stay anywhere rumored to be haunted.
  13. If someone hands me some kind of trinket and tells me that it could protect me, I will smile, say thank you, and will honestly keep it in mind for just in case instead of throwing it behind my bed because I KNOW this person is nuts.
  14. Of course, just to be on the safe side, if I am ever given a mysterious piece of jewelry from someone of unknown character or a place of mysterious origin, I will have it analyzed and tested before wearing it myself.
  15. I will not let the villain go in a moment of mercy. I will see to it that he is properly arrested, at the very least.
  16. I will not investigate the weird noise outside myself. I'll call the cops.
  17. I will not ingest anything until I have read the label three times over.
  18. I will always let my pet monkey sample my food first. It doesn't hurt.
  19. I will not touch any ancient artifact, especially if it is sitting on some kind of altar in the middle of a temple.
  20. If I really feel I must get the artifact, I'll let the villain get to it first. Once they have sprung the trap (there are always traps) and is consumed by whatever attacked them, I will sneak in and grab the treasure.
  21. I will listen to the character who has a bad feeling about this.
  22. I will try not to become a superhero, no matter how awesome my newfound powers are. I'm sure I can find a practical use for them that does not involve chasing dangerous bozos around skyscrapers.
  23. I will not casually dismiss any nasty-looking wound, especially if it was inflicted by a venomous animal.
  24. I will avoid small towns with overly-quaint sounding names.
  25. I will not assemble a team of specialists when I go on my quest. All but the best-looking male or female will most like be dead by the time I get done.
  26. If I simply must hire a team of specialists, I will make sure that nobody is so specialized that they are completely helpless if a situation gets a little out of control.
  27. Also, anyone considering joining my team of specialists will be screened in order to make sure that they do not suffer from debilitating phobias, chronic obnoxiousness, or helplessness in general.
  28. And lastly, I will try to make sure I chose specialists with whom I have never worked. That way, when they are picked off one by one, it will be a little easier to deal with emotionally.
  29. I will never hire an overweight male who appears to be dumber than a post. They are always more trouble than they are worth.
  30. I will not have any children who can be killed in order to inflict pain and misery upon myself.
  31. If I do have children, they absolutely will not be taken to exotic locales where they can be captured by the villains.
  32. I will never promise to take my children somewhere someday. This will invariably lead to the death of me or the child.
  33. I will never promise my children ANYTHING.
  34. If my child gripes about the fact that I never listen, I will stop and listen.
  35. For that matter, if my parents gripe that I never listen, I will stop and listen.
  36. If my parents suddenly announce that we have to leave our home due to an ecological disaster, alien invasion, or somesuch thing, I will not start whining about how all my friends are here, I don't wanna go, yadda yadda.
  37. If for some reason I am transformed into something else, I will not brood over my lost humanity. (I will go find something far more interesting to do. Like surf the Internet.)
  38. If I am in a structure doomed to collapse and no-one believes my dire warnings, I will immediately exit instead of trying to convince them. They'll figure it out for themselves no faster than if I stuck around to continue warning them in vain.
  39. I will not stand around for five minutes calling somebody's name if they fall off a cliff or disappear after I've turned my back.
  40. No matter how many times and no matter how long I scream "NO!!!", the fallen comrade will NOT come back.
  41. If I am certain it's dead and people around me assure me it's dead, I'll drive a stake through its heart and cut off its head just to be sure. And if anyone says "It's dead, Jim," I will shoot it, vaporize it, and order everyone out of the area just to be safe.
  42. When the phoneline goes dead, I will not stand around tapping the button on the cradle.
  43. If I have a secret identity, I will not blab it to every person I become close to.
  44. I will not believe the villain if he suddenly claims to be reformed.
  45. I will not wear a cape, cloak, or other article of clothing that can get snagged in the nearest handy thorns unless said cape is designed to break away in case of an emergency. And even then, it will never be part of my combat wardrobe.
  46. I will never wear the skimpiest thing I can find. Especially if I am about to embark upon some quest.
  47. I will never wear a uniform that does not completely cover my chest. (Unless, of course, that's sort of the point.)
  48. I will wear an undershirt just in case my regular shirt gets ripped.
  49. I will not read any musty old tomes aloud, especially ones written in another language. Neither will I read aloud anything engraved upon ancient artifacts.
  50. I will always keep a backup backup supply in case my backup runs out.
  51. I will keep enough food in my starship to last for several years. That way nobody can tell me that there's only enough for a few days.
  52. The food in my ship will be stored everywhere. If part of the ship gets blown off, it won't just happen to be the only food supply.
  53. If there are children in the area, I will hang out with them. Children (as long as they are not mine) are virtually guaranteed to survive. (And of course, I will be nice to them.)
  54. If I am in a strange place, I will not lean against anything or walk backwards unless I am trapped with no visible way out. This goes especially for old ruins.
  55. I will not travel with anyone who shrieks at bats, insects, or any other creature.
  56. My significant other MUST be self-reliant. I really have better things to do than to rescue said person every five minutes.
  57. I will make an effort at getting over silly paranoias.
  58. I believe in gender equality. If I am a male hero and a female is one of the bad guys, I will beat her up no differently than I beat up her male comrades. If she threatens to scream, I will clamp my hand over her mouth.
  59. If I am a male hero, I will absolutely not passionately kiss the woman who claims to hate me just to prove how macho I am. I can find less misogynist ways to prove my manhood.
  60. Heck, I will try to avoid interacting with anyone I find attractive altogether until the adventure is over. No matter how competent I was before, I will instantly be helpless without that person.
  61. I will stop pining over the handsome jerk or beautiful snob and give the oh-so-cute nerd a chance.
  62. I will not go through the childish phase of hating all my friends for a brief time only to run back to them when things get really tough.
  63. I will not go through the phase of blaming everything on one or more of my friends. It just doesn't help.
  64. If I lose track of an important item and find it again later with relative ease, I will have it tested right away to make sure it's the real thing and/or is not booby-trapped.
  65. I will try not to hang out with anyone cooler than myself.
  66. I will take antihistamines prior to all espionage missions if I have allergies. I will also remember how to suppress sneezes. It can be humanly done.
  67. I will not trust any policeman/detective until after they've shown me their credentials. Even then, I will still be cautious.
  68. I will be intelligent enough that I can figure out solutions that would be instantly obvious to the audience.
  69. If it so happens that I discover vital information pertaining to the enemy, I will immediately tell my trusted friends and/or make copies of said information. Heck, I might even start telling random people I meet. That way I will not become the only person with the knowledge to destroy the villain.
  70. I will try not to destroy that ultimate healing device in a stupid accident just as soon as I've used it to heal my dying love interest.
  71. If I somehow manage to aquire an awesome weapon or piece of technology, I will not convieniently forget about it by the next episode.
  72. I will not assume the villain is dead. Ever.
  73. If at all possible, I'll simply cut ALL the wires simultaniously. None of this red-wire-blue-wire nonsense.
  74. If I wake up with no memory of who I am, I will sit quietly until someone comes and tells me. (Hopefully I will remember to do this.) UNLESS the place is downright creepy. THEN I will lose no time in leaving.
  75. If the villain is hanging from a cliff, I will not reach down to help him up. If I really have to, I will give him something to grab onto. If he tries to pull me down, I will turn loose immediately.
  76. If I must put on an enemy's uniform, I will take a moment to look for one in my size instead of grabbing the first ill-fitting suit I find.
  77. When infiltrating the enemy's stronghold, I will not pull up my collar, pull my hat down, and try to act "inconspicuous". This inexplicably attracts overly-friendly employees.
  78. If someone is obviously dying and is trying to tell me something potentially important, I will not say something to the effect of "Shhh... don't speak." I will quietly listen to what they are trying to say. Dead men tell no tales.
  79. If I am running and I happen to be attached to something such as a long chain, I will not let it trail behind me so that whatever is chasing me can grab it or step on it. I'll pick it up and carry it.
  80. If I am a female trying to prove herself to male co-workers, I will remember the difference between "feminist" and "straw feminist," and aim to be the former, not the latter.
  81. If I am a male, I will not be an ass to the female trying to prove herself.
  82. If I have a bunch of people hiding somewhere underground or in any crumbly structure, I will see to it that they have a ready supply of hard-hats in case of an attack.
  83. If the doors in a room begin to close one by one in order to lock me in, I will not run to the one that's just starting to close. I will run directly out the door that is still opened.
  84. I will always try to carry a secondary weapon that does not require ammo.
  85. I will not live in New York, Los Angeles, Washington DC, Tokyo, or any other large and/or conspicuous city.
  86. I will absolutely not let the villain put me through a guilt trip or scramble my brain with some kind of morality spiel.
  87. I will never be so caught up in defeating the villain myself that I can't let someone else do it. I won't care how he's dead so long as he's dead.
  88. When someone known to be intelligent has advice, I will listen.
  89. I will never, ever wear heels higher than two inches.
  90. If I find myself in a semi-peaceful situation with a villain, one of his men, or if I easily escape from his stronghold, I will completely change my clothing directly afterward and run a metal-detector over myself just to be sure that I'm not being tracked.
  91. If it comes to my attention that someone has been exhibiting strange behavior, this person will be immediately removed and preferably quarrentined.
  92. If I find a dead body, I will immediately raid it for useful items. (Unless there have been reports of zombies or nasty diseases, in which case I will flee the area.)
  93. I will always carry matches, a knife, and other useful items with me inside a plastic bag at all possible times.
  94. I will not honor any dying wish that will cause more harm than good in the long run.
  95. I will try not to bear any tattoo, scar, or other marking that will make me readily identifiable.
  96. If I am female and a boring-but-socially-acceptable man is interested in me before anything adventuresome starts, I will keep in mind that I'm probably pretty enough to have any man I want.
  97. Before announcing that I am the friend or relation of someone else, I will make sure that the person to whom I am about to give the announcement does not hate the guts of the person I am about to mention.
  98. I will never sit down at a bar unless I actually intend on ordering something with alcohol.
  99. If someone with whom I have not had the friendliest relationship or with in the past or someone of questionable repute offers me advice or tells me something important, I will verify what I've heard with someone a little more trustworthy.
  100. If someone who never gave me the time of day before suddenly decides he/she likes me, I will be alerted to suspicion.
  101. I will have a clear sense of priority. If the villain bent on destroying the world demands that I hand over the Artifact of Ultimate Power in exchange for my love interest, I will remember that having my love interest back will do no good when the villain destroys the world.
  102. I will keep in mind that negotiating a compromise can be helpful.
  103. I will never wander off alone or suggest that the group split up.
  104. If I am in posession of an item which the villain must not get, I will bear in mind that a bank would be much more secure than my dresser-drawer. If a bank is not available, there are still options that are far more secure than a dresser-drawer.
  105. As a precaution, I will never keep anything of importance in my hotel room. These seem to get ransacked quite frequently.
  106. If my love interest always seems to be busy with some Grand Destined Quest, I will keep in mind that as long as I'm single, I'm available, and I can keep looking.
  107. Anyone who is supposedly dead and later seen walking about will be immediately assumed to be undead and will be dealt with accordingly. If I am lucky enough to be in charge, I will send men wearing nothing less protective than hazmat suits to deal with the zombie.
  108. If I purchase or design an android or some other form of artificial intelligence, I will make sure that it is completely incapable of falling in love with a human or coming to the conclusion that it should rule the world. In fact, it would be best if my AI unit wasn't self-aware at all.
  109. If for all intents and purposes I fall off the planet for a very long time, I will not be too surprised when my previous love interest has found someone new by the time I get back.
  110. I will remember that my father's career has no bearing on my own career, and I should never feel obligated to follow in his footsteps without a very good reason.
  111. I will not jump up and down on a rickety-looking bridge in order to prove how sturdy it is.
  112. Being the owner of a tavern, inn, or bar will be at the bottom of my career choice list. These things have a habit of getting burned down.
  113. If I happen to be in charge of the kingdom, country, or whathaveyou, individuals who wish to build large structures that resemble skulls, demonic creatures, or that are simply outright spooky will be given a psychological evaluation and a background check. Said person will be arrested immediately if he/she has a history of mental illness known for inducing megalomania/delusions of grandeur.
  114. Chances are good that the guards posted outside my room as a "courtesy" are not for my own protection.
  115. If I hear negative news about someone (especially a friend), I will check with other sources and get the whole story before flying into a tizzy. Especially if the news came from someone with whom I was not particularly close.
  116. The person whom everyone claims to be insane is probably the only person who actually knows what he/she is talking about. I will duly keep this in mind.
  117. If a villain pauses mid-fight to check xir makeup or hair, I will not wait for him/her to finish. I will use this sudden lapse of common sense to my advantage.
  118. When negotiating with a villain, I will be careful not to leave any pesky loopholes for the villain to exploit.
  119. In fact, I will avoid making a deal with villains at all. They do have a pesky habit of double-crossing people.
  120. If I am carrying around some small item of cosmic signifigance, I will staple, duct-tape, safety-pin, sew, or otherwise attach it to my person so it will not fall off at the first opportune moment.
  121. I will not hire creepy-looking people with unwashed hair and/or slasher smiles to be my advisors, ever. (I will, however, refer them to the evil overlord and let the EO deal with them trying to take over xir precarious perch.)
  122. Note to self: creepy advisors and beautiful daughters/nieces DO NOT mix.
  123. I will avoid wearing anything magnetic. You never know when some weirdo will come along with a supermagnet.
  124. If I have to give someone an item of Great Importance, I will not run with it, especially waving it in the air with one hand. I will walk, holding the item with both hands, if possible.
  125. No matter how small of an excursion my starship may be embarking upon, I will have it outfitted in preparation of a decade-long journey. You know how those "three hour tours" always end up.
  126. If I have long hair, I will keep it pinned up when I'm doing anything actiony.
  127. I can never have too many backup plans.
  128. I will duly beware of anyone who has some kind of fascination with snakes, whether this is in xir decorating style, wardrobe, choice of pets... anything.
  129. I will not design or use any confinement system where the doors can be unlocked from the inside of the cell, either by lock or by removing a panel and rerouting a few wires.
  130. If I ever decide to explore a deserted, wrecked, or otherwise abandoned ship, military outpost, village, etc., I will bring along enough ammo to mow down whatever was responsible for its abandonment - or anything else that might be and probably is lurking in wait.
  131. If it doesn't go down when I shoot it in the chest, I'll see if shooting it in the head or neck is more effective.
  132. I will stand up and step back more than an arm's length away from the fallen enemy before announcing that he's dead.
  133. I will not tease or taunt the techies.
  134. If someone I'm attracted to doesn't hesitate to tell me I'm obnoxious, to jump off a cliff, etc, I will either give up my pursuit or try to do something about the aspects of myself that turn this person off.
  135. If someone whom I really can't stand keeps hitting on me, I'll try picking my nose, slurping, and snorting in front of this person and see what that does to cool xir passion.
  136. If my job requires going into potential combat situations and I'm not trained for combat, I will see about getting some training. A little target practice in my spare time could go a long way.
  137. If the manufacturers of my starship won't install seatbelts, I'll make sure my crew knows how to fall from their seats in such a way to minimize injury.
  138. If there's an enemy running about that is either immune or will become immune to energy-based weapons but take be taken out by a simple knife, I will see about getting hold of some non-energy based weapons and training my people to use them.
  139. If my really awesome powers involve growing a few sizes, I'll invest in some clothing that will stretch or is loose enough to accomodate.
  140. I will never make an agreement entailing that I serve someone implicitly.
  141. If I'm in charge and some homicidial maniac tries to take over, I will have that person executed, not exiled someplace they can plot a second takeover.
  142. If I'm being stalked by a monster and I want help from the police, I will not tell them I'm being stalked by a monster. I'll tell them it's my ex-boyfriend or something more plausible.
  143. If my kind never shows ourselves, I will not get butthurt when others don't believe in us.
  144. I will not leave the artifact that lets me maintain peace in my kingdom in a place where an unsupervised five-year-old can get to it.
  145. I will ensure that none of my employees are Lawful Analytical. If I must hire someone with Lawful Analytical tendencies because there's no suitable alternative, I'll try to train xir out of it, or install someone to watch xir and make sure xe doesn't get carried away.
  146. I will not be Lawful Analytical.
  147. If it becomes clear that my enemies have absolutely no trouble getting into my house or stronghold whenever they want, I will look into fixing that.
  148. Blood may be thicker than water, but nothing trumps common goals and shared ideals.



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