From a Villain To All Would-Be "Loyal" Followers...
When I announced my plan to build an army, I had no idea there would be so many applicants! Unfortuntely, many of them were completely unqualified disasters. In order to save me and my organization precious time filtering out the failures, I have drawn up this list to help you determine whether or not you are truly worthy and able to take the demands of the job.
First and foremost, I do not merely need a dose of good loving to turn to the side of "good," least of all from a highschool or college student whose favorite pastime is drawing me in compromising situations with my rival. If you intend to apply in the hopes of turning me "good," do not bother.
If you are applying with any thoughts of getting into my bed at all - do not bother. You are not as sexy as you think you are. In fact, many of you have been utterly repulsive, reminding me more of a strutting turkey than anything I would want to take to bed with me.
Some of you seem to be under the impression that making threats or insinuating violence against my person will somehow get you into my bed. In fact, it will not; any such attempt will be met with immediate termination. Furthermore, I don't take kindly to stalkers, either - and I don't care how much you claim to "love" me. Also, making pouty faces and whining "pretty please" at me will not make me more sympathetic toward you. In fact, it will only demonstrate to me that you are a sniveling brat who has no place in my ranks.
I am not and will not be your friend. I have far more important things on my mind than your petty problems. Go and whine about your "feels" on Tumblr; that's what it's there for. I do not have to be "nice" to you. If you want nice, try joining the "good" guys - though I suspect they'll reject you as well because even heroes can only tolerate pathetic little emotional parasites for so long.
If you brag about being "crazy," "psycho," or "insane," consider your application rejected. Your "insane" behavior is not charming in the slightest; it is churlish and even pretentious. If you otherwise think that my organization is in any way a sanctuary for society's rejects, you need to get that out of your head right now.
Aping my own eccentriticies and habits will not gain you any favor with me at all, nor will dressing like me, nor will knowing each and every fact about my life. In fact, it will probably have precisely the opposite effect you intended.
Before you get any delusions of becoming a general or director, let alone my right-hand operant, be aware you are far more likely to be assigned to KP or scrubbing toilets than to be put in charge of anything, even if you do have the ability to set things on fire with your mind. Also, no matter how "unique" you think your abilities are, you can be replaced. There are a million other applicants as skilled, if not more skilled than you.
If you constantly question my orders or go maverick on me, I will terminate you. I run this show, not you. Get used to it or get out.
If you are issued a uniform, you will wear it and you will not alter it, no matter how unattractive you think it makes you look. You are applying for a job, not a dating service.
Some of you have taken pains to ask whether my organization would sponsor an "anime night." The answer is NO. And on this note, I would like to add that anyone found using the words "desu," "baka," "sugoi," or "kawaii" will be immediately discharged.
Once all of this has sunk in, please feel free to fill out the application form. We look forward to hearing from you!